If Poison Could Talk
by epiphanylens
Summary: It's the boys' 21st birthday..and a special surprise is in store for them. Although, the night may not end exactly the way they think...So, let me ask you this: ever wonder what happens when four teenage mutant ninja turtles get drunk for the first time? (One Shot)


If Poison Could Talk:

A one shot.

6:00PM

"Happy birthdaaaaay tooooo yooooooou!"

Everyone swung their arms as we finished singing the 'birthday anthem' to the guys, waiting anxiously to snap pictures of them blowing out their candles as if they were cute little four year olds again.

Mikey cheesed up as he saw the little red light of the camera come on, myself trying to snap at least a decent picture of the four of them this year. Every year there was always one that didn't want to cooperate, most of the time it being Raph… Go figure.

Leo and Donny put on at least a half decent smile, waiting for Raph's inevitable…

"Put that thing away!" everyone groaned as he folded his arms, ruining the moment in the bat of an eye, "Come on, you know I hate pictures…especially with these doofuses…"

Mikey leaned over the table, squinting at him with a twisted grin on his face, "What's wrong Raph? I bet you let Ji take _plenty _of pictures when you're in your room f-"

Ji shot up from her chair faster than I'd ever seen her move before, "**M-mikey…!**"

Raph shot a finger at Mikey, pointing viciously at him with a warning, "One more thing comes out of that mouth, I'll make sure cake's not the only thing you'll be eating tonight."

"Bet it's not the only thing _you're_ eating either, Raphie boy."

Raph almost knocked over the table as he jumped from his seat, his chair sliding at least ten feet across the floor, "I'll kill ya! Com'ere you little son of a…!"

I rolled my eyes as Avolla and I seemed to pat Ji on the shoulders simultaneously, "Don't worry, you eventually just block it out."

Avolla mimicked my words, waving her arm slowly in front of her as she spoke mystically, "Block it allllll out…"

She shook her head as we three watched them rustle around on the floor. Donny and Leo jumped in to 'break them up', but we all knew they just wanted in on the fun.

I sighed, just wanting a nice picture of the boys on their 21st birthday, "Alright boys, if you don't sit down and eat this damn cake I'll throw it all out!" Almost immediately they were at the table, forks in hand, sitting like proper boys in a reform school. I held my camera to the side with one hand, propping the grip handle in my palm, "Just, let me take one decent picture this year, alright? It's the big one, your 21st! Now, it took a little bit of pleading, but I was able to get Splinter out of the lair for the night. He's staying at April's and will be home tomorrow afternoon. If you don't cooperate, I'll tell him to come home, and I'm returning all the alcohol to the store."

Raph scoffed, rolling his eyes with a fork still poking out of his fist, "So what, I drink whenever I want, anyway!"

I shot him a bored look of disappointment, "Okay, first of all, not something you want to state proudly in front of your girlfriend. Second of all, you drink cheap gas station beer. I brought vodka."

Raph made grumbles of enjoyment under his breath, "Mmm, mmm, mmm. I love me some vodka."

"Again, bro, not something you want to state proudly in front of your girlfriend." I hoisted the camera up with both hands, adjusting the lens to focus the shot, "Okay, on three, alright?" they nodded, putting on their best a brightest faces as the little red dot shone a dim light over the cookie cutter scene, "One..two..three!"

_Click_

11:36PM

I wasn't sure what hurt more, the knot I had in my stomach from laughing so hard, or the fact I had fallen on my ass in the process. The girls and I had all made a pact to stay mostly sober so we could observe and record everything about the guys that night. So, while we drank cheap strawberry Smirnoff, a brand that couldn't even get a ditzy cheerleader tipsy, we shot the boys up with White Russians and poison apple shots. Needless to say…it was the funniest goddamn thing we'd ever seen.

Raph had tried to start a drinking contest almost immediately, but we convinced him it would be more fun if no one passed out ten minutes into the party… It took a while for Donny and Leo to get used to the taste, but once it was in their systems, they had no problem taking another shot or two. Mikey, well, Mikey was Mikey. He revved right into a bottle of Absolut, forgetting the reason why most drinks were mixed... but that was just the beginning…

Raph sat in a hunched position next to the radio, a shot glass in his right fist, "Wait! Wait!" he pointed a finger in the air as Pharrell's _Happy_ came over the speakers, "I. Love. This. Song." He laid his head on top of the speaker, a far away look in his eyes, his words slurred together, "Guys, this song just…speaks so much." he blinked a few times, turning the volume up and sighing loudly.

Leo stumbled over, throwing his hands on the table. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts, but he managed to piece a sentence together just to yell at Raph, "Raph, you'll-you'll go deaf! Bad! It's bad for ears!"

Raph pouted, pulling the stereo closer to his face, "I don't have ears, Le-o-nardo! They're _holes. _What do _you_ know?"

Leo carefully moved his hands to his sides, taking a moment to balance himself, "I know, I know I'm really, really good at.. telling people what to do! Cause I'm leader! L for Leo, L for **leader**!"

Donny butted in grabbing on to Leo's shoulders, "Oh yeah! Well, **I **know how to use a **wrench**!" he stumbled over, pulling Leo with him as they laughed, making fun of Raph and his 'ear holes'.

Mikey suddenly jumped on top of the table, raising his hands in the air, "Okay! I know this sounds crazy, but, guys, guys, I swear I can fly! I swear! You-you gotta see me do it guys!"

I looked at Avolla, trying my best not to just die from laughter, "Think we should stop him before he hurts himself?"

She folded her arms, observing the moment with squinted eyes, "…Nah! I wanna see this!"

Leo let out a long huff wobbling over a bit, "Mikey, you can't fly!"

Mikey suddenly gasped, throwing his hands in the air. He stared at the wall for a long moment, blinking slowly, "Oh my god, I've got it! Donny, you-you have to build a time machine, okay! Okay, you have to build! T-then we can go back-I mean-forward in the time n' stuff and see if I can fly!"

"Mikey! S~shut up! I can't hear my song over the sound of your stupid!" Raph threw the remote to the speakers at Mikey's head.

Mikey wobbled on the table, sticking his arms out to balance himself, "Hhhhhheeeeeeeey!"

As Leo and Raph cracked up at him, Donny made his way across the room, giving me a very concerning smirk. I rolled my eyes, trying not to burst out into a raging fit of laughter as he took my waist, pulling me in, "You wreak of vodka, you know." I let out a giggle.

He made a humming noise like he was thinking before picking up a strand of my hair, "Ohh yeah? Y~you wreak of beautiful"

I laughed, "Is that a compliment?"

He pointed his finger in the air, silent for a moment before letting out a hiccup, "I~…."

I let out a gasp as his eyes rolled back, falling to the floor with a _thud_.

Avolla ran over to help me, a frantic look on her face, "Oh my god? Is he okay?"

Placing a hand on his face, I couldn't help but let out a chuckle, "Oh, Donny, you freakin lightweight."

Ji came over to help Avolla and I drag Donny to the couch, an almost panicked look about her. After we got him on the couch, I looked at her for a moment, placing a hand on her shoulder, "You alright?"

She nodded, examining Raph as he pummeled Mikey off of the table for turning off the stereo, "I've just never seen them like this before.."

I let out a laugh, "Girl, I could tell you stories. This may be the first time anyone's seen them this drunk, but there's several embarrassing stories I could whip out for blackmail."

She gave me a slight smile, "Once, when Leatherhead was using beetles and such in one of his experiments, a jar of cockroaches got loose…" she paused, "I didn't think Raph's voice could go that high until that day." We both shared a good laugh, reminiscing about the amazing moments when we actually saw Raph turn into a girl for .5 seconds because of a bug.

Suddenly, Mikey called out across the room, frozen next to the table, "Oh no. Guys..I think..I think... I-I…" in the snap of a finger, he threw his hands over his mouth, bolting to the bathroom. The three of us girls all cringed as we heard the hurling noise from across the room.

Avolla placed her hands on her hips, staring at the two left: Leo and Raph, "Alright, boys, time to tuck in. You're waaaaay too drunk."

Leo wobbled over to her a dangerous look on his face, "If I can s-still fantasize about my birthday sex tonight, n-no I'm not!"

Her face flushed with red as she punched Leo in the chest, "D-don't talk like that in front of everyone!"

"Wow, Leo, and here we thought _you_ were the dominant one!" I laughed sarcastically, my fist on my side.

Avolla turned, giving me a grimacing stare, "Don't you dare encourage him…"

Raph finally trudged himself across the room, eyeing Ji with his arms held out to her, "Jiiiiii, come sleep in my bed tonight!"

I saw a chill run down her spine as she stiffened, backing up the closer he got to her, "U-uh, Raph…what are you…what are you saying…?"

"Come sleep in my bed! We can do lots and lots of _things_ t-there!" He backed her against the couch, putting his arms by her sides to trap her.

Ji shook like a leaf as he tried to give her drunk kisses, but she pushed his face away each time, "I-I-I! I think I need to go home now! Oh, is that LH calling my phone? I think I should go! He's probably worried…!"

She made a sudden duck under his arms, running across the room to the door. Raph reached his hand out, trying to be a dramatic drunk, "C-come back b-baby!"

She ignored him, waving goodbye to me and Avolla before darting out of the lair. I turned to laugh at Raph as he sulked on the couch, awkwardly sitting on top of Donny's legs, "Aw, and to think, you were _so close_ this time, bud!"

He groaned, "This couch is so l-lumpy!"

"Um, Anocari…." Avolla's voice suddenly came out of nowhere.

I turned to see Leo, passed out, leaned against her as she tried with all of her strength to hold him up. I ran over to her, grabbing his arms to try and hold him up a bit, "Oh dear god, not another one… Come on, let's get him to bed. Raph! Help us carry Leo to his room!"

We both looked over to see Raph passed out as well, slumped over Donny as half of his body hung off the couch in a frightfully uncomfortable position. We shook our heads, pulling Leo just far enough to get him in the big chair across from the couch.

I sighed, dusting my hands together, "You think we should check on Mikey?"

Avolla thought for a moment, "Nah, I think this isn't the first time he's been passed out in the bathroom, even if it's not because he's drunk as hell."

I chuckled, "Yeah, I'll second that."

Avolla grabbed the neck of a half empty bottle of Absolut, holding it up with a grin on her face, "Well, we let the boys have their fun. Wanna put down the cheerleader drinks and get a real buzz?"

I rolled my eyes, folding my arms as I scoffed, "Why would you even ask me that! Duh!"

We laughed a bit as we made our way over to the table, grabbing a couple shot glasses from the counter. Avolla poured as I went through the pictures on the camera, each one putting a little smile on my face. My favorite one was the shot we got of Raph with a cone birthday hat on, the ones with confetti strips printed all over it and a stupid little white string to hold it on your head.

"Ah, look at this." I snorted as I found the last picture I took, "God, those smiles are so forced.."

"Well, except for Mikey's" Avolla chuckled, putting a shot in my hand.

Placing the camera down on the table, I raised my glass for a toast, "Well, here's to growing up."

She raised hers in return, giving me a smirk, "_Not."_

_Clink._


End file.
